Monday, February 17, 2014

He Was From Iran So...I Ran

If I had a penny for every time a boy called me crazy, I would at least be able to afford all of the dinners my dates have not paid for. Up until this month, I believed I was the epitome of this “C” word. I believed that my obsessive and compulsive behavior was supremely abnormal, but luckily I was proven wrong by a crazy Jewish boy whom I will now refer to as CJB.

THE BACK STORY: I met CJB at a Havdalah happy hour for people in their 20s. The truth is, I went to this event trying to meet people who would take me under their wings and volunteer to be shul buddies (in short, I was looking for some funny girl friends). However, I was approached by an Iranian Jew. After speaking for approximately five minutes, he instructed me to give him my number…(Who does that? “Let me have your number.”)

I received a phone call three days later when he asked me on a date. “Sure,” I said, my tone unenthusiastic because I spent half of the 20-minute-conversation asking him to repeat himself due to the thick accent.

On a first date usually conversation is light. Conversation is easy. Conversation is breezy. Conversation is basically CoverGirl. On this first date, he told me his Dad passed away. (I am not by any means making a joke of someone dying, but what does one do with that information from a practical stranger?) I awkwardly danced around this topic and kicked myself every time I said something about my father, which seemed to be more frequent than any other date when I have barely spoken about my parents.

The date was fine enough to agree to a second date, but with friends in town, I wasn’t willing to give up a significant portion of my time to someone who probably wasn’t going to be in my near or far future. So I suggested coffee and a walk in the park.

As he dropped me off at my Metro stop, he told me the more time he spends with me, the more he likes me. I paused, taken aback by this statement. On both our dates, I was bored. I wasn’t able to make one joke. His serious nature made me uncomfortable, and I was forced into being some polite version of myself that I only sport around my parents’ friends. I confusingly thanked him, and he tried to schedule another date to go grocery shopping, which I laughed off and scooted down the stairs. (Why would I take you grocery shopping with me?)


A few days later I receive a call from CJB at 10pm, a time when I informed him I would not be available. (I am true believer in the courtesy 9am/pm rule…no calls before or after unless it’s an emergency.) I didn’t pick up. He called again the next night even later at 10:30pm when I was already in bed. At this point, I wasn’t ignoring him, but I also wasn’t following up…He didn't leave a message to call him back like my voicemail instructs.

In the morning I woke up to this disgusting text (Note for context, I work in advertising on the Duracell account): “I don’t hear from my sweet Duracell Bunny these days! Is everything alright?!”
 No. Gag me. Gross. No. Ugh. What? Are just a few thoughts that went through my head.  The next morning he texted me saying he saw me tweet and that the silent game was over, and that “[I] think the silent treatment will work, but [I] will speak!” Two minutes later he texted telling me I was a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing…super poetic.  

Gathering my thoughts as any sane lady would do I took the day to figure out how to politely tell him my interest was on the decline, “I’m really sorry for my lack of response! I’ve been trying to come up with a polite way to say I don’t think we are compatible. I’m sorry if I’ve led you on or made you upset.”
In response, I got the email below:
“It's good that you decided to respond because I wanted to call your father tonight to ask him teach you some life lessons which would prevent you from remaining single for the rest of your life. It isn't your fault that you couldn't come up with a polite way of expressing yourself because you don't seem to have much dating experience (if any), and I think you didn't even care to say anything. I'm not sure when you came to the conclusion that we aren't compatible but regardless, unless something really strange happens between two people who are dating, it would be almost impossible to judge each other after just one date, which I think was pretty fine (or two, if you can actually call that rushed walking in the park a date!). You said you would be free on Saturday to go the NFL event because I wanted to have fun together instead of just dry conversations but instead you made plans with your friends and didn't even have a second to sit down! This rude behavior made me both surprised and uncomfortable but I didn't take it personally because I understand that things can happen. You always (especially after the first date) said that you're really enjoying it, etc., and that you want to do it more. So understand that your actions were very abnormal. You really need to work on yourself. Also, if you were dating multiple guys at the same time to eventually find the ‘right’ one, this is a huge mistake. You should avoid it. Try to understand these because they will really benefit you.


Since I felt it was much too cruel to respond to his email, I will respond here to my readers:
1. You actually think my father wants me to date someone who thinks a man can tell me what to do and how to behave. He would be glad I discontinued communication with you.
2. I have dating experience, which you can see in my blog. You should have been able to read this all when you stalked my twitter out.
3. It wouldn’t have been dry conversation if you had asked me about myself or talked about something aside from school.
4. We weren’t dating. We went on two dates.
5. Of course I am going to spend time with my friends from out of town who I never see over you because I have a pre-existing relationship with them.
6. It’s fine to date multiple people at once. It’s an efficient use of time.
7. Let’s take a look back at 2. I have this blog, and you know about it. What were you thinking, you crazy human being?

And boys think girls are the crazy ones? Hoping I find an NJB who isn’t crazy and who understands my neuroses are quirks rather than a bout of mental instability.


  1. :-O
    Excellent post........terrible guy. Like you, I'm so sick of guys who tell me what to do! I'm an adult, and have survived just fine so far...and will continue to do so long after you're history.

    1. Thanks, Amy! There are plenty of NJBs who don't assume they can control their other halves. Unfortunately, they tend not to exist in my dating pool.

  2. It’s interesting to see that those who believe they are normal/perfect and problem-free are always the ones who have never been in a single successful relationship but rather they have been on countless dates with the so called “crazy” guys! As an aspiring writer you should avoid cherry picking and also present your readers with accurate information. It’s also so immature and unprofessional to publicize a private conversation. Please do yourself and, more importantly, all your present and future dates a favor and visit a mental health institution to treat your bipolar disorder. This would greatly help you not remain single for the rest of your life.

  3. Hi everyone, I am a Iranian Persian Californian American or you can call me Iran-Boy or Iran-Man. I am personally fascinated by Jewish culture, though not born in the States. I like to date outside of my race. Meaning, I want a Jewish girlfriend. I am a royal descendant of Cyrus and Khan. I know Los Angeles has the largest population of Persian Jews. Which is great for me since I can now find a girl who is both Jewish and understands Iranian culture. Come to think of it the only religion more kindred to Judaism that is not Christianity coming later, is Zoroastrianism, as the earliest monotheistic philosophies. So historically Iranians are the closest in terms of like-mind gentiles to the Jews, which one can find further links in the Torah. I know I am going off topic, but does anyone know any websites or written material on the tips that can help my case. This rhymes, "How a Persian boy like me can find the Jewish girl of his dreams?" Thanks and love you all.